rather than 'I always knew', or specific instances of something happening that made you realise you were 'different', how did you figure out your operating gender identity?
i gravitate towards hanging out with specific demographics of LGBT people due to shared interests and experiences, and often feel alienated and ashamed when I realise they think of me as separate from them in some way. this applies to boys and girls of all kinds.
weight, self-image, family, and wanting agency that I didn't have yet impacted my early gender exploration and it's hard to separate these complex feelings away from the social presentation ones; there's some aspects of medical transition that I'd want, but I don't want all of them, and it's not easy to get started on hormones where I live.
when I imagine my life if I fully transitioned, and think about how strangers would treat me and assume things of me if I 'passed', I get a sense of panic, unease, and discomfort. the last time I used one of those filters to see what you would look like as 'the other sex' I felt terrible because I didn't like how I looked and it didn't look like me. when strangers treat me like I'm cis the way I appear now, though, it also makes me feel like that. i've tried a lot of different pronouns and all of the ones I've used feel wrong in some way and right in others. the hardest thing so far has been figuring out what I want.
when does the feeling good about it part come in? if you've had similar experiences, what did you do while navigating them that helped you figure it out? what do you currently do that makes you feel like your body and soul are in tune, and not like you're pushing them farther away from each other?
Thank you and sorry if this is a juvenile way to go about asking. (-＿-)
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