when i was a kid, i remember being asked what i wanted to be when i grew up, and what my favorite color was. to the former i would answer "accountant", to the latter i would say "nothing" or "manila". they were the most generic answers i could think of, which was kind of a joke to me but definitely also some kind of performative (though sincere) ennui, with also some sense of resentment towards my environment. i think i was often frustrated and upset but too cowardly to face the adults in my life with outright hostility, so i'd just try to do things that would make them feel bad. later in high school i'd end up taking an accounting class, so i suppose at some point it stopped being a joke as i started believing my own non-answers in search of an identity. according to my mom, i used to be very rowdy as a child (eg my mom recalls one day where she was sitting in the living room watching tv and i stood in front of the tv with a lightbulb in each hand and smashed them together) but after the first day of kindergarten i became the quiet child i would be for the rest of my life. i often wonder what happened that day, but i have no clue. i think it's possible it was just a normal first interaction with becoming a social being (though, i was in preschool before and had a sister) and i decided or made the indecision to internalize and perform
do you still feel a pressure to conform or have you found a way out
>>3mr2j2dqu2c22
i still struggle with avoidant behavior but i've felt like less of a husk within the past few months. when i was 18/19 i thought i was going to escape my malaise with prescription drugs but none of that really turned out, i'm getting therapeutic treatment for borderline now which i think has helped. i also think pursuing irl relationships has helped me in some ways, as it's less feasible to maintain a persona that's contradictory with your mannerisms and relationship to your body and whatnot compared to online where you get to be an avatar that produces text, though obviously this doesn't mean there's no masks we wear in social situations, in fact they can be more subtle and insidious. but yes i think i've been getting better ＼(＾o＾)／
>>3mr2o6axeuv2o
you still have a lot ahead of you but it never gets harder when you've lived through your 20s. that was the hardest time for me looking back i feel like i didn't know how to do anything and i was just bumbling around and getting hurt
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